Culprit: Cosmo – November 2008 Issue Page: 108

This month Cosmo provides you with 75 “sex moves” to create a fire.  After reading this article, I became sexually un-aroused.  I’m not going to tackle all 75 because they give me a headache, but here are 2 that made me think, “This is just wrong.”

#1 “Have a naughty-movie marathon. Rent a bunch of flicks with famously steamy sex scenes.  How you could you not get inspired?”

J’s Take…This is #1!! Each sentence in this one has a problem.  First, the use of naughty-movies is a problem.  I am not old enough to ever have read Look Magazine, but imagine that this is how they described sex in the 1950s.   Second, rent a bunch of flicks…is your goal to have some hot sex or to bond over movies and popcorn? Finally, the last question should be, “If you’re still awake and can get him up, do you think you will be energetic enough to have sex?”   Better advice…use a porn for background noise or watch a movie such as Disclosure with a hot sex scene and jump him immediately as it turns you on (forget about the other 10 movies you rented) or make your own movie!  Or, you could do all 3!!

#28 “When out at a party, lean your back against him so it looks like you’re just affectionately resting your body.  Then subtly grind your butt into his package instead.”

J’s Take…Oh, Cosmo! You’re so naughty!  I don’t know how you suggest such taboo things and get away with it in the mainstream.  Seriously, my girlfriend did this to me when I was 13 at homecoming.  Feel free to implement the technique, but I wouldn’t expect fireworks to go off, as the magazine would have you believe.

There are at least 40 other bad ideas in the one article.  I will probably tackle them in increments over the cumming year.  Sorry Cosmo, I meant “coming.”  Stay tuned!

…I kept going with my current sexual activities because I thought, “Maybe she’s just really emotional.  That’s good for sex, but not so good for a relationship.”

“Are you ok?” I asked with a heavy breath.
“Yeah,” she whimpered.  “I’m fine.  Don’t stop,” she screamed as she grabbed my butt.
“Do you want me to stop?”
“No! Keep going!” she commanded as she pulled me back down to her.

I was freaked out at this point, and did the best thing I could think of to get out of the situation.   I faked it.  It’s not something I do hardly at all; but I had no idea what else to do without being rude.  My body kept moving with hers.  Finally, I let out a loud moan as she moved her hips around my waist.  I then quickly worked my way down below her waist and began to use my tongue.  She wouldn’t stop crying, and I just wanted it to end as soon as possible.  I concentrated on the job literally right in front of me, so I could make quick work of her.  After about 2 minutes down below, her body shot upright and her legs clamped tightly around my ears.  I know she was satisfied, but I had no idea what I had done wrong.  However, I quickly went to the bathroom to get rid of any evidence that I was a decent actor.

When I came back, we both lied there for a few minutes.  After telling her that I had to be up for 7, I asked if she wanted to stay or go.  She decided to stay, which was fine because I was going to sleep well except for the burning question in my mind.

“Just curious, but what did I do that made you cry?” I asked gently.
“Oh, yeah, I’m sorry about that,” she said somberly.
“It’s ok.  I wanted to know if I did something though,” I said with expectations of a response.
“Well, you see, I’m not exactly that experienced.  You see—,”
All I could think was, “Oh, Lord.  Is she a virgin?” I squinted my eyes expecting the worst.
“Remember how I told you I was divorced?”
“Yes,” I said thinking that I had just had sex with a still married woman.
“Well, he was the only guy I had ever had sex with and we were together for over 8 years.  I guess I wasn’t expecting to have that kind of reaction to you.  I hope I didn’t scare you.”
“No, no,” I responded.  I tried to hide the relief in my voice.

Not much else was said the rest of the night.  We both rolled over and went to bed.  I think she probably felt embarrassed.  I was flat out tired and had a big day ahead of me.

The rest of the week I kept wondering what makes girls so emotional when it comes to sex.  The only thing I can ever come up with is that there is just something about being entered by another person.  Actually, as I just wrote that, it seems to make more sense to me.  Still, she didn’t lose her virginity to me.  I’m sure she had sex with her ex a few thousand times over the 8-year period.  If any of my readers has any ideas about this situation, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

I think eHarmony did a great job of finding two people that had great chemistry together, but I guess there are some things they can’t predict like sexual response.  I’m anxious to use them again though because I’d love to find sex that good again without the virgin tears.

Last week, I was in Chicago staying at one of my favorite properties inside the Loop.  On Tuesday night, I made plans to meet a woman named Sara that I had been talking to for awhile online.  I don’t do much online dating; but when I do, I usually take my time in meeting them in person, so I can measure how legit they are.  I actually found Sara on eHarmony.  The one thing that drew me to eHarmony was their personality test.  Those are always fun to take because they offer a glimpse of how others may see me.

Anyway, I had been talking to Sara for over a month, and we finally agreed to meet.  She works at a bar in the Gold Coast area of Chicago, and we both thought it would be a great idea for me to come to her bar and talk during her down times.  It was the perfect scenario for a first meeting.  The pressure was minimal as she was working, so I didn’t have to think of interesting things to say every second of the night.

The night went well.  The conversation was great, and I enjoyed watching her work the bar.  She was hotter than her pictures on eHarmony.  It kind of built up my own ego to watch other men flirting with her while she worked.  She had fantastic cleavage in the tight black tank top she wore, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her when she had to stretch to reach a bottle on a high shelf.  Needless to say, between the conversation and the body, I was revved up!  She was able to get out of her shift close to midnight.  Apparently, she had been feeling me too because she started kissing me in the cab and continued into the elevator (she stopped for a bit in the lobby).  The kissing was hot.  It was that brand of kissing that had been built up for a month based on conversations; and then when we saw each other, I think it took all we had not to jump over the bar.

Anyway, inside the bedroom, she was down to her sexy black thong in less than 5 minutes.  I think my clothes melted off when we walked into the door.  The foreplay was amazing and lasted a little over an hour.  I could tell we were both type “A” personalities because it was an ongoing struggle to see who would be in control.  I ultimately took the prize, but I think she let me win.  The first time I entered her, I was sitting up and she was straddling me.  But, that only lasted a few minutes before she put her arms around my neck and turned us both over.   I put one of her legs back by her shoulders and started to move in and out of her at varying speeds and motions.  At first, she responded really well to my talents; but then she surprised me, and I lost my groove.   After about 4 minutes of being top of her, she began to cry.  Yes, she began to cry.  At first, I wasn’t sure because it was dark, and I was a little tipsy; so, I put my lips down to her face.  Sure enough, there were little puddles of wetness caressing my lips.

I didn’t know what to do, so I….

Here’s Part 2!!

I was at a mall in Buckhead with my friend Jessica yesterday.  She made a snide comment about another girl walking by, so I jokingly mentioned that she was a herder.  She initially got a little intense because I was stereotyping her even though she had no clue what I was talking about.

“What’s it mean?” she asked with a sarcastic grin.
“Why do you always ask me to go shopping with you?” I asked.
“Answer me first.”
“I will.  My question is part of it.  So, why do you always ask me to go shopping with you?”
“You always tell me what you really think.  My friends just tell me what I want to hear,” she quickly responded anxious to hear my answer.
“Exactly.  Largely, you are all loyal and vicious.”  Before she could respond, I asked, “Remember Nicole?”  Nicole was a girl I had two dates with on a fix-up.  Nicole and I agreed on a group date over drinks and appetizers.  So I asked Jessica to bring a date.  Nicole brought her friends Trista and Julie.
“Yes, I remember her…nice ass, big boobs, big nose.”
“Yeah, her,” I responded quickly so as not to get off the subject.  “You didn’t know her or her friend for 5 minutes and when they got up to go to the bathroom you followed the 3 of them like it was your duty.”

Our conversation continued to something pointless, but I think it’s important for women to be aware that they are herders.

I think it’s the biggest strength and weakness of most women.  It is also one of the biggest causes for miscommunication in relationships.

As I mentioned to Jessica, women are loyal and vicious.  If they’re your friends, they’ll be your biggest supporters regardless of the circumstance and this is fantastic.  However, the flaw is that they’ll support you even when you may need a little checking.  This can often lead to an increased fuel when arguing with your man or maybe even another friend.  If that happens, we (men) are left feeling very confused and aggravated because of an unresolved situation.

Now, clothing is not too serious.  However, imagine getting advice like that from two of your girlfriends and then unleashing that on your unsuspecting man.  It can cause a great deal of unnecessary drama.

The Point: Another friend of mine recently had a big fight with her fiancée.  After she rehashed the story for me, she realized that she had gone too far because she was riled up from her friends.  I agreed with her that her fiancée was wrong, but she should’ve discussed her feeling first instead of attacking him.

To add a little light and understand the thought process of men a little better, I thought I’d show you the “Cost of Sex” calculator.  I am not saying I agree with it…completely…but I understand how it can be frustrating for a guy.  If nothing else, this handy little calculator is fun to look at.  Have fun this weekend!!

Culprit: Cosmo – Vol. 245, No. 4, (AKA October 2008 Issue); Page: 152

Cosmo discusses some of the various things that may be wrong if your sex life has decreased in your long-term relationship.  They give 5 reasons that he may not want you as much, which are: he’s stressed out, he’s pissed of at you, he’s freaked out about commitment, he’s worried about his sack skills and he wants to break up.  These are a handful of many good reasons that could cause the sex decline.

Cosmo also lists bogus excuses to watch out for, and that’s where I take issue with the popular magazine.  One excuse was, “I have a big day at work tomorrow and need to rest.”  They claim this is bogus because climaxing will clear his mind and help him sleep.

J’s advice…Cut Him Some Slack. Unless your man is still in college, he will be fully aware of the tension relief provided by sex; however, when he’s wound up from stress due to work, it causes anxiety about performance.  Sex is not always one of the ways that he will want to get this out because, assuming he’s a driven professional, he will only feel better when he accomplishes something.  That’s why he may ditch you to go do something active and measurable such as getting more reps out his workout routine.  So, don’t be too quick to discount this excuse.

Whew! Glad, I got to the scene before you jumped to a conclusion.

Continued from Mental Cheating Part 1…

Ryan apparently knew everyone at the table as everyone as shaking hands with him, but the mood became so thick you could cut it with a blade.  Saul was just kind of staring at his beer. Dan acted real friendly and gave up his chair to Ryan.  If we’d been inside, the room would’ve felt suffocating to me.  Everyone just got tight.  At first, I was fine because I was oblivious to the happenings.  I definitely needed to hear this story.

Story

“You want to go with me to the bar to get a drink,” I said trying to seem casual like I really needed one.
“Sure,” she smiled and got up.  I pulled my chair back so she could walk in front of me.  As I turned to walk away, Sarah shot me a face with a half-smile.

I walked to the bar behind Anna…holy crap, she has a nice ass.  It’s always fun dancing with her because she only dances after drinking and she’ll let me brush across it without thought!!

As we arrived at the bar, “I’ll have a Guinness and—.  What would you like?”

“Dirty martini with Ketel!!” she shouted across the bar standing on her toes.  She’s a package of cute and hot all-in-one!

I turned my back to the bar and looked at her, “So what the hell happened over there?”

She ignored my question, grabbed my shoulders and turned me to the right, “Here, that’s better,” she grinned.

“Do you feel better when you face south?” I said sarcastically acting as if I had compass in my head.

She laughed.  “No, remember Greg?” She said sternly.

“Greg, Greg, Greg,” I repeated as if I didn’t know who he was.  “Oh yeah! The guy you—“ she threw her hand over my mouth.  “The guy you let take you and—“ she kept trying to cover my mouth as I muttered more words through.  We probably looked very obnoxious to everyone.

“Here drink your foamy beer and hush,” she said.

“So, what happened over there?” I asked again taking a sip of my fresh beer.

“Where do I begin?  You see Sarah and Ryan have been have been dating for about three years.”

“Oh, crap! Really?” I paused for a second…Anna nodded and I took a swig.  “I never would have guessed that.  Ryan doesn’t have a clue about Dan.”

“Well, they’re all in the same group, so he doesn’t really think about it I don’t think.  Sarah and Ryan are so comfortable with one another; but she definitely acts more flirty with Dan.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“Four months or so,” Anna began to describe a few instances to me.

“Don’t ever leave those two alone,” I joked.

“They’ve been alone before, but nothing has happened.”  I gave her an unbelieving look.  “No, they haven’t.  She would tell me.”

I’m always surprised how well women claim to know their best friends.  Things they’re ashamed of don’t always come out easily. For now, I have to take Anna’s word for it.  I bet something did happen though, and I will report if I find out anything.

What are your thoughts though?  Does this constitute cheating?

Story

I was out with a good group of mine last night.  It was a cool night in Midtown, and the nine of us were spread across the table having drinks.  The conversations seemed pretty segregated in groups of three.  Of the nine, only two were women including Anna; so that was one conversation.  The one I was involved in was a deep conversation about AFF, and at the end were four guys talking about the best way to approach a random table of girls.  I was next to Anna, and I could half hear them gabbing about our high level of dorkdom and some random gossip about another couple.  All the guys smiled at them when they jeered at our conversation.  I figure if the girls are talking about you in any way and smiling, then that’s a good place to be.

This was the first time I’d met a few of the people at the table.  I’d met the other girl Sarah once before.  She is a cute and shrewd black haired Jewish girl.  I hear Anna mention her often, and I can definitely see the similarities in their personalities.  Dan was sitting next to Sarah.  Dan, me and another guy Saul got into some long discussion about the best place to meet cougars from AFF.  Every now and then, he’d remove himself from our conversation and look over to Sarah to check on her status.  He was doing the good boyfriend thing by giving her space but still checking on her every few minutes, which is smart because, even if they don’t need it, they still love it.

Dan and Sarah had that quality that everyone wants to have when they become a couple.  It was like they were still good friends but still really into each other.  I don’t feel like I come across that too much.  My first thought was maybe they were still in a new relationship, but I quickly dismissed that since they were so comfortable apart from each other.  That’s not a “new” feature.  When a relationship is new, guys will always have an eye on the girl…no matter how far away he’s standing.  We do it with the same subtly that women portray when they’re trying to act like they don’t notice a guy at the bar.

Dan jumped right back into the conversation with Saul and I on cougars like he never left for a second.  He returned his attention back to me like he’d just opened a new toy.  I swear it’s amazing what happens when you get two guys talking about sex.  Anyway, he was going crazy about cougars and about the possibility of being with an older woman when all of a sudden he kind of sat up and slowed his speech.  His enthusiasm tapered off too.  Anna and Sarah had just ended their conversation too, so I just migrated my way over to Anna, which is never hard since her personality is contagious.

Anna always likes to flirt with me by giving me a hard time.  Tonight, she decided to touch on my dork factor.  She doesn’t think my affair with 45-year old is real (tell you later).

“You think we could be as cute as those two are one day?” I asked knowing that I could knock her back on her feet a bit.

Surprisingly she leaned forward into my face almost nose-to-nose and whispered, “Who are you talking about?”  She did that head nod that people always do when they’re in public and are trying to act like they’re not looking at someone.

Trying to be funny, I stuck out my bottom lip and tried to talk through my teeth like I was being really secretive, “Dan and Sarah over there.  Those two,” I motioned my head to my left across the table.

“Hun, you mean Sarah and Ryan?” She pointed to a tall guy around 6’5” with fine brown hair and a big smile on his face that had just walked up from behind me.  “They’re not together,” she whispered.

…Mental Cheating Part 2…

Google Labs has released Mail Goggles.  It will help you avoid sending those late night drunk emails to your exes and FBs.  I’ve used Gmail for awhile now.  Email me your questions ;->.

Settings

Anyway, this reason alone should get you to convert to Gmail. You can set the times when you think you’re most vulnerable, and it will force you to answer a series of math questions.  It allows you to choose a level in case you get smarter as you drink more.  I put it on Level 3 for the picture below.  I had to think about these for a second while I was sober.

What are some of the ways you keep yourself from drunk dialing / txting / emailing?